Suspension letter (so I can return to bible college)

Greetings,

I hope all of you are doing well, and I really appreciate that you are taking the time to read this letter.  By writing this appeal to you, I would like to communicate three things.  First, I will explain the reasons why I have gotten poor grades the past two semesters.  Secondly, I’d like to share with you why I believe my situation has dramatically improved.  I do believe that I will succeed as a student if my appeal is approved, and I will share with you my reasons for believing that.  Finally, I would like to communicate to you my strong desire to stay enrolled at MU this upcoming semester as a part time student.

The number one reason, the only reason really, that I have gotten less than a 2.0 GPA the past two semesters is because I struggle with manic depression.  I also have ADHD and PTSD, and essentially I had destabilized the past two semesters.  I have a story to share with you that will help illustrate what my life has been like living with these three disorders.  This past semester I was sitting in my Adolescent Psychology class and I couldn’t focus on the lecture and I began to get very anxious.  I got up and left thirty minutes into class and began the walk back to my house, which was roughly a twenty minute walk.  I don’t remember most of the walk, except for moments when I was pleading to God to take away that awful feeling.  Essentially, I was going through a panic attack, and this wasn’t an isolated incident.  It had happened countless times during the semester, and when I was thinking clearly I knew I was destabilizing, but I wasn’t too sure at the time how to fix it.  At the time, I hadn’t learned how to function with what I’d been given.  However, I met with Dean Rygg and we put a plan in place, a plan I began to implement during the last part of last semester that helped tremendously.

The plan that has been set in place, and the reason my situation has improved dramatically, is a regimen of counseling, diet, sleep (at least nine hours a night), a PTSD tutorial (which I haven’t started yet, but have been talking with Lee Ann about), and bringing community into my struggles.  I hadn’t been seeking counseling or a PTSD tutorial, nor had I been getting nine hours of sleep a night or eating well.  After taking these steps, my situation has drastically improved, and I’ve begun to learn how to function with what I’ve been given.  As far as community goes, I’d like to pick up where my story had left off.  After the twenty minute walk from campus to my house, I did something I had never done before.  I sent out a mass text to my friends and loved ones asking for prayer, or a phone call, or a visit.  Every time I had had a panic attack up until that point I had gone into my room and isolated myself from my community.  I had never wanted to burden people with my struggles, so I went through it alone.  Anyway, I began to receive texts and calls and prayers from everyone I had sent that text to, and even though I was still disoriented, I remember thinking very clearly that God’s hand was in all of this.  Involving my community in my struggle with mental illness was a huge step for me, and knowing I have people I can turn to on a bad day is essential to succeeding in the future, but finally bringing God into my struggle is the biggest step that could’ve been taken.  I absolutely believe that all of these things that I am telling you that are being implemented in my life would lead to future success as a student at MU should my appeal be approved.

I do have a strong desire to return to MU next semester because, without Aetna, the student health care plan, my medications would be ten times more expensive than they are now.  I cannot even begin to afford these medications without the help of Aetna, especially because my Dad just retired, and I cannot afford to be off of these medications either.  To be honest, this is a major reason I’d like to return, but it is also important to note that I have never been more motivated than I am now to succeed as a student because I now know what I want to do with my life, and getting a degree is very important to getting to that place.  What I want to do with my life is be a Pastor, and I know that preaching is a gift that God has given me.  To pick up where my story left off, I had paced around my porch for some time when I noticed that one of my friends was sitting on a chair on the porch.  I didn’t greet him, but I proceeded to give a “talk” on celebration in the midst of a panic attack.  I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember my friend stopping me at one point and saying that it probably meant more to him that I was sharing this with him than it meant to me that he was there for me.  God’s hand was in my life in the midst of that panic attack, and now I run towards him when I get like that.  Community has been essential in re-stabilizing me and in realizing my call in life, and I have never been more motivated as a student with this end goal in mind.

I have had my struggles these past two semesters, but I’ve implemented a plan for success as a student, and I’m highly motivated to execute that plan.  Thank you for your time.

Relationship

What happened?

Relationship.  It’s like I’m in a band, and I’m the drummer, and when I play I only listen to myself.  How do I sound?  I’ve forgotten what it is like to listen to the harmonies and the horns, the strings and the guitars.

I went to a show last night with my buddy Sean, and on the way back, he told me that he needs to stick with his relationships even when he doesn’t derive pleasure from them.  Every relationship that I’ve ever had has been based on, does this person make me laugh?  Do they make me feel good?  Do we share the same interests?  What am I going to get out of this?

Forgive me, Doug.  You’re we’re I want to be, and I’ve treated you like a connection.

Forgive me, Levi.  You’re full of wisdom, and when I’m around you, I want to hear what you have to say so that I can improve my situation.

Forgive me, Sam.  You’re just like my cousin whom I love whom I haven’t seen in five years.  Being around you is like being around Joseph.

What happened?

So it goes…

The following events did take place, more or less.

It’s May 21st, 2003 and I wake up rested, which is surprising, because I had been working 14 hours a day, day after day after…  I drink my coffee while I read my bible, which was my usual routine… 

…I open up my door and step out of my room.  In a distance I see Mount Versuvias.  What a beautiful sight.  But…then I look down, and I see a ten foot fence with barbed wire around it.  I had forgotten where I was, and what I was doing there, and then I get this overwhelming feeling that I am in prison…

…I get in a car and head to work.  The driver, MASN Gunnells, doesn’t touch his brakes once.  He only uses the E break, and with every turn comes another brush with death as the back of the car goes into the other lane, barely missing the oncoming traffic…

…We arrive at work.  It’s another day on high alert, meaning everyone is working 14 hours a day, day after day after…

…we’re standing posts, walking around the shopping center, driving security boats around an empty harbor, and we’re doing all of this 14 hours a day, day after day after…

…it’s one hundred and eighteen degrees in Naples, Italy, and we’re wearing bullet proof vests, boots, long pants, and cavalier helmets on our heads, among other things.  By looking at us you’d think we were in Baghdad…

…MASN Catlett, from the stress of working so many fourteen hour days, day after day after… drank too much the night before, and decides to fall asleep, (which does tend to happen when you work fourteen hour days, day after day after…) behind a barricade, just feet away from moving cars…

…When you’re on high alert, you take bomb sniffing dogs and, after pulling a car into the bomb bay, the dogs use their sense of smell to see if their are any bombs inside the car.  MA3 Parsons is bored, so he catches a stray dog, puts a leash on him, and uses the stray dog to look for bombs in people’s cars. The stray has muddy paws, and he leaves foot prints all over the inside of the cars…

…MA3 Smith waves cars into the bomb bay with his gloves on.  All the reflectors have been ripped off of the fingers of his gloves, except for the reflector on the middle finger.  He opens up the doors while the car is still moving, but he doesn’t apologize for that, he apologizes for the war in Iraq…

…MASN Dubois fell asleep at a different post (it tends to happen when you work fourteen hour days, day after day after…), and MA1 Besson, our fearless leader, caught him sleeping.  MA1 Besson made sure to punish MASN Dubois to the fullest extent possible…

…and as a consequence for this infraction, MASN Dubois would be demoted to Seaman Apprentice Dubois, which obviously crushed him.  Another part of his punishment was picking up trash for two months in a red vest, the red vest signaling to all people passing by that he had been a very bad boy and broken the rules… 

…Across the base, two security boats drive around and around and around an empty harbor, maintaining good order and discipline within the harbor.  MA2 Liggons is on one of the boats and is up in the front, and as the boat turns, he falls off into the ocean.  MA3 Robinson, the driver of the boat, cuts the engine and goes running up to the front of the boat to see if MA2 Liggons is okay.  MA3 Robinson’s gun belt falls off as he bends over to look for MA2 Liggons, which means his gun belt fell to the bottom of the ocean, where it joined MA2 Liggons…

…A half million dollar boat sits at the pier.  It hasn’t worked as long as I had been there.  I’d never seen anyone work on it before, either. They weren’t even trying to fix it… 

…Anyway, MASN Rengers was supposed to stay awake on the other boat, but he fell asleep.  The driver of that boat, MA2 Lacombe, a female, had fallen asleep too, which does tend to happen when you work fourteen hours a day, day after day after… 

…The current slowly pushed them towards the rocks, and eventually the boat and the rocks connected, and it was the second time MA2 Lacombe had damaged a boat after falling asleep, which does tend to happen when you work 14 hour days, day after day after… but she would still get an award at the end of the year which would be…

…Sailor of the year.  (Probably because she had made out with half of the chain of command.)  So it goes…

…Later on in my shift, I am in our headquarters, and as I look up at the security monitors, I notice two things that you don’t see everyday, unless you’re in the Navy and working fourteen hour days, day after day after… 

…On one screen, I see an intoxicated naked man running down the main street on the base.  He was being a very bad little boy, and was just begging for a red vest to wear.  He must not have realized that the Navy would take away some rank for this, because then he never would’ve done this, because loosing rank I’m sure would’ve crushed him. Then, I look over at another monitor, and I see a fire truck go full speed into the fence surrounding the base… 

…MA2 Jones is messing around with his shotgun at his post, and it goes off, the third time in a month we’ve had an accidental gun shot on a post…

…I make my way over to a post with a friend and ask him to stay awake to watch for cars as I go into the shed on the post to fall asleep, which does tend to happen when you work fourteen hours a day, day after day after… Fifteen minutes later, a man comes charging into the shed.  “Oh no”, I think as I look over and see that my partner has fallen asleep, which does tend to happen when you work fourteen hours a day, day after day after… 

…The man who has come charging into the shed, a body guard for a general it turns out, has a very loud voice and uses lots of bad words, but he doesn’t tell the general in the car that we were sleeping, because if he had, I probably would’ve been demoted to Seaman Apprentice, which obviously would’ve crushed me.  I also would’ve picked up trash for two months in a red vest, with the red vest signaling to all people passing by that I had been a very bad boy and had broken the rules…     

…The body guard leaves us alone after a good talking to, and seconds go by, which led to minutes, which led to hours, on and on and on until my fourteen hours are over.  I get into a car and head home. The driver, MASN Gunnells, doesn’t touch his brakes once.  He only uses the E break, and with every turn comes another brush with death as the back of the car goes into the other lane, barely missing the oncoming traffic…

I arrive home, and I crawl into bed.  I close my eyes and sleep…

Anyway, It’s May 22nd, 2003, and I wake up rested, which is surprising, because I had been working 14 hours a day, day after day after…  I drink my coffee while I read my bible, which was my usual routine… 

…I open up my door and step out of my room.  In a distance I see Mount Versuvias.  What a beautiful sight.  But…then I look down, and I see a ten foot fence with barbed wire around it.  I had forgotten where I was, and what I was doing there, and then I get this overwhelming feeling that I am in prison…

A Christmas Tale

Rob liked Jenny.  Jenny liked Mike.  Mike liked Stephanie.  Stephanie liked Phil.  Phil liked Maggie, and Maggie liked Rob. Everybody loved the wrong person.  It’s Christmas Eve and the snow is falling in Michigan.  The six of them are in Mike’s apartment, and they are trying to decide what to do with themselves.  The room is silent, and Stephanie isn’t good with silence, so she says, “Let’s go outside and have a snowball fight!”  Everyone ignores her, except for Mike, who says, “Yeah I’d be up for that!”  Stephanie ignores him and the room is silent again.  Stephanie isn’t good with silence, so she says, “Let’s go grab a beer at the club” and the room starts to come alive…

Rob says, “The club can’t even handle me right now.”

…And the room starts to come alive.  Almost in unison, the group gives it’s approval and everyone stands up to put on their boots and gloves.  Jenny rubs Mike’s back in the doorway and Rob glares at Jenny.  They go down the steps and out into the night.  Maggie starts to march up the street and Rob pretends to throw a lasso around the moon.  A small group of Christmas Carolers are singing in front of a door way across the street and Stephanie starts to sing along.  Mike is quiet.  Tonight is the night he pulls Stephanie aside and convinces her that they could have a happy life together.  He is trying to think of how to start the conversation, and he settles on, “you’re single, and I’m single, and we shouldn’t be single any longer because we’re both kind of fun and sort of good looking and we’ve been friends a long time” and Mike quickly decides that tonight may not be the night to do this.  He’s not very good at this stuff.  Mike snaps out of it when he notices Stephanie looking at him.  “What’s that?” he says.  Stephanie smiles.  “I said, doesn’t it make you sick?”  Doesn’t what make me sick?”  “That couple that just past by us, staring into each others eyes.  If none of us has a significant other, then no one should.”  Mike nods in agreement and looks at his group of friends, his family.  Things aren’t so bad, he thinks.  “Where’s Rob?” Phil asks.  No sign of Rob.  Maggie is getting cold so she tells the group that she’s going to march double time to the club and that she’ll see them there.  Jenny runs her hands across her pockets and realizes that she forgot her wallet, so she turns around and heads back to the apartment.  One of Stephanie’s friends pulls up next to the group and Stephanie jumps in the car and tells Mike that she’ll meet up with them at the Pub later.  Mike stops and looks around.  “Phil” he says and his voice echoes off of the buildings.  Where’d Phil go?  The snow continues to fall.  Mike takes a seat on the curb and lights a cigarette.  He fixes his gaze on the Christmas decorations across the street, on the singing Santa Claus.  He lights another cigarette and makes a decision.  He finishes that cigarette and sits there a few more minutes.  He knows what he needs to do.  He starts to walk back to his apartment and reherses in his head what he wants to write on that piece of paper.  This is how Mike prefers it.  He never was good with speaking to people face to face, he’d rather write it down.  He’s back at the apartment now, packing up his belongings.  He settles on what he wants to put on that piece of paper, writes it down, and crosses the hall to Stephanie’s apartment.  He puts down his belongings and tapes the note to Stephanie’s door.  Down the steps he goes, throws his belongings in his car, and drives away.

WE FELL IN LOVE IN THE KEY OF “C”

TO JILL.  WHAT COULD’VE BEEN.

I WAS 16 ONCE, AND I WAS AT SUMMER CAMP, SITTING ON A LOG NEXT TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL 14 YEAR OLD GIRL YOU’VE EVER SEEN…

…MAN, THAT SOUNDED CREEPY.

HER NAME WAS JILL, AND WE WERE STARING DEEPLY INTO EACH OTHERS HUNGRY EYES.  I HAD NEVER KISSED A GIRL BEFORE, BUT I KNEW THAT MY NUMBER HAD FINALLY COME UP.

I REMEMBER SAYING, “I’M GOING IN FOR YOUR LOVE NOW.”  I THINK I HAD HEARD HER RESPOND, “ALRIGHT,” BUT SHE MAY HAVE SAID, “BILL CARTWRIGHT,” WHICH PROBABLY WASN’T THE CASE BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE 7 FOOT BULLS CENTER WHO PLAYED BACK IN THE 80′S.  JILL LOOKED AROUND AND THEN SAID,

“I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW.  THERE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE ANYONE AROUND.

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW, THE BEATING OF OUR HEARTS IS THE ONLY SOUND.”

SO I LEANED IN THE WHOLE WAY, I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THE RULE BACK THEN THAT THE BOY GOES IN 90% OF THE WAY AND THE GIRL GOES IN 10% OF THE WAY.

OUR LIPS MET, AND FIREWORKS EXPLODED ALL AROUND US.

AFTER ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, THINGS GOT…

…SLIPPERY.  I WAS DROOLING BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY, KIND OF LIKE A WOOLF.

I’M PRETTY SURE OUR CHINS WOULD’VE SLIPPED OFF OUR FACES IF THEY WEREN’T ATTACHED TO THEM.

AFTER THE KISS WAS OVER, SHE LEANED INTO ME AND I HUGGED HER.  SHE NEARLY DIED IN MY ARMS THAT NIGHT.

LATER ON IT CAME UP WHEN WE WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE THAT OUR FIRST KISS WAS PRETTY SLOPPY.  I INITIALLY TRIED TO BLAME HER, BUT SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE, SO I OWNED UP TO IT.  UNFORTUNITLY, THREE YEARS LATER, STEPHANIE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS QUITE AS CUTE, BUT SHE REALLY LIKED ME, SO SHE PUT UP WITH IT.

TO JILL AND STEPHANIE, WHAT COULD’VE BEEN.